Once more, that question bounced in her mind. Did her mother truly love her? She wished she could say yes for sure. However, her mother’s actions and silence spoke otherwise. Same with her father ; although, she could say for certainly that he did not. What a troubling thought. The only person that she could say that loved her was Anna and she feared that love was beginning to diminish even more rapidly.
Before she could stop it, a tears slipped down her face. Who loved her anymore? Who could love her? She was not perfect ; in fact, she was a monster. Why else would she be here in the darkness, unable to stand beneath the sun freely? A year or two ago, she was alright with this arrangement ; however as time went by and her tutors spoke more and more about the need for her to experience things, the less she accepted this. If she was to be a proper Queen, she needed to experience LIFE before she fully gave her life to kingdom and crown. Her life never truly belonged to her as crown princess, however, was it not right that she was able to experience simple things such as mingling with guests?
❝He’s not going to allow me to mingle with our guests, is he?❞
❝Elsa…❞
Idun’s shoulder’s dropped again, and she looked down into her lap. Those tears still tugged at her heartstrings, as they always had, even when Elsa had been a toddler. But like when her daughter was small, sometimes she had to put those feelings aside. No matter how every atom of her wanted to reach out and hold her child, comfort her, that wasn’t what Elsa needed.
❝It’s just one visit. And if you come down to dinner,
you’ll be able to meet our guest then. If it makes
you feel any better, I haven’t met him yet, nor has
Anna. As far as I’m aware Kai has said one sentence
to the man.❞
And yet, she knew that wouldn’t help. Idun was only queen consort–she had no need to meet their political visitors besides keep their entourage entertained. And Anna may be a princess, but she wasn’t the crown princess. She did wonder if Agdar had even considered how Elsa would take not being allowed into the negotiations. Conflicted feels raged in her, being able to see both point of view. Elsa had always been a sensitive thing, and the King had always had trouble reading his children.
Regardless of her mother’s words, deep inside her heart, Elsa knew that her father feared her. She had an inkling that he hated her as well. After all, he hated something that was a part of her. It was more than likely that there was a part of him that hated HER. No matter what her mother says, her father is frightened of her and what she could do. If he talked in his sleep as her mother claims he does, he probably talks about how frightened he is of her and how he wishes she wasn’t this way.
She slowly began to move away from her mother. Her arms wrapped around her legs and she began to rock back and forth. A light layer of snow flurries began to fall over her head. She could not find it in her to believe anything her mother is saying about her father. How could she? All he has done is prove her words otherwise. If he was supposedly proud of her, loved her, than why didn’t he say the words?
There was power in words. The truth of the matter was,
she hasn’t felt his love in years. It’s why she tried so hard
to be perfect for him. She had to be perfect ; she had to be
the perfect crown princess. She had to regain his love. Angry
as she was, he was still —- sadly —- her father and she
NEEDED his approval.
❝You’re lying. Y-you’re making this up. He doesn’t do this. He doesn’t.
You say he does, but his actions speak louder than words. The only time
he has even close to how a father should act was when he gave me these
gloves and read one of his stories to me.— —- He is a king every other time.
What can I do to make him proud? To have tangible proof?
How does… he talks in his sleep but just one word, Mama, one
word to me and… and I would know that it’s the truth. But
until then? I-I cannot. I am sorry, Mama, but I cannot.❞A pause. ❝He deserves it. He promised he would love and protect us. He hasn’t done that
at all.❞ Neither have you. ❝He turned Anna and I into little birds that he keeps
locked up in separate cages.❞
When Elsa moved away, Idun’s arms immediately felt much emptier than before she had entered them again. Her every instinct told her to reach out and embrace her child again, especially now the powers were making themselves known. It was just another sign of the upset she’d caused that day. But she knew that her moment had passed, and instead, she folded her hands in her lap. At Elsa’s words, her lip curled slightly with disgust, looking down at the gloves on her daughter’s hands.
❝He wasn’t a father when he gave you those wretched things. And I
can’t blame you for thinking me a liar. It's his job to put that right, not
mine. After all we’ve done to you, we deserve every bit of your anger.
Don’t apologise for the way you feel, love. You don’t have to to me,
anyway. I don’t want to say I understand, because I haven’t been through
what you have, but I’d like to think I can see why.❞
All those wonderful things he said about her, and not once had her husband told their children he was proud of them? That he loved them more than life itself? Perhaps Elsa was not the only one in this family hiding her feelings. At bottling things up until they exploded. It was just in her case, the evidence was rather easier to see.
How she wished they could return to the days when the magic was some special, something revered. When their little girl could cause mischief with it with a grin on her face and a laugh following behind her. The Queen would much rather deal with that kind of mess than this one. Would much rather have two happy, smiling girls than one who tried to ignore the sadness and silence, and one who hid away. If only the accident that night had been something more mundane. Children played and got hurt all the time. It just happened to be more unusual. If only Agdar had been able to see that at the time.
❝As I’ve said, I can’t blame you for… for any of your feelings
towards us. I just hope that one day you can believe how
much I love you still.❞ After a pause, she spoke again.
❝Would you like me to have some tea or the like fetched?
You’re trembling, love.❞
Her mother’s words only made her angrier with her father. He was an intelligent man ;
he was someone she looked up to as a ruler, an intellect. But as a father? No. He was
not a father. She couldn’t even remember a time he WAS a father to her. He was king.
Always. A king may do whatever he wished and if he wished to keep his family locked
within the palace walls, the people would not question it because he is the king. Well
she would question it, always. She would question whether or not he actually ever loved
his family, loved HER.God help her, she was beginning to detest him. Actions speak louder than words after all.
He may claim to love his family, but his actions say otherwise. Perhaps he was protecting
them, protecting her, but it did not feel like that to her. If he was so worried about the trolls’
prophecy, then he would have listened to their words. Fear was her enemy, not the world
beyond these walls. If he listened, then he would have made sure she did not grow to fear
her powers as well as herself.He has listened to her speak of this.
He has offered her council. And yet,
he has the power to change all of this
and yet stubborn, blind man that he
is, he will not.God help her, she loved him and hated him. God help her because she will always
attempt to be his perfect little girl, his princess. She needed him to be proud of her.
She needed him to look her in the eye and tell her that she was everything he ever
wanted in his heir.❝I-I hate him. W-why is he… Why can he treat you thus? He might be KING, but he
is your husband. He vowed before God Himself and our people that he would treat
you kindly, that he would protect you and his family, that he would…I would rather die than marry a man like Papa.❞
❝He was frightened. He still is. Not of you, mind, never of you.
But of our people. He’ll never admit it out loud but–he talks in
his sleep. He worries about you constantly. You and Anna pop
up quite often.❞
Still wondering if she was crossing too many boundaries, she reached out and brushed some hair behind Elsa’s ear, careful not to let their skin touch for too long, lest it set her off again. But there was too much temptation not to reach out and confirm that her eldest was indeed real. That she was before her.
❝I can’t blame you for feeling that way. And his decisions have put
a strain on our relationship for some time now. He’s a stubborn
man, damn stubborn. You get that from him. But I remember loving
him once. And I don’t want to give up on him. Just as I will not give
up on you.❞
After looking down at her lap for a moment, she raised her head again, to look into Elsa’s eyes. Normally, she would have smiled. But now Idun doubted she had the energy. It took everything she had not to crumble completely. Her daughter knew the truth now–her truth. But there was something else she deserved to know.
❝But I don’t need to hear him talk in his sleep to know he’s proud of
you. He talks about it while awake. He’ll go on and on about how wonderful
whatever it was you had done that day. And Anna too. He thinks you’re both
the most perfect things in his world. I just–I wish he’d tell you that.
Your father is a damn idiot. And I shouldn’t say that, but he is.❞
It baffled her how a woman she had perceived to be so utterly strong act so weak when it came to her children’s happiness. She has read countless of books with strong mothers who fought against everything that came their way to make sure their child lived happy lives. But this was reality, not fiction ; even so, the idea of a woman staying meek and obedient even as mothers sickened her. Mothers needed to be strong and protect their children, not stand by and watch the suffer.
If she was being honest with herself, a part of her would always hate her mother
for not being strong enough. Wife or not, queen or not, she was a mother first
and foremost. A mother does more than carry the child for nine months, she is
supposed to protect her child and love her child. The Church teaches women to
act like nothing more than an accessory for a man ; a broodmare who obeys their
husband’s every command. It does not help that society helps this idea spread.
Women were humans too and should not have to deal with this.How many hours did she spend imaging her mother was different, stronger?
How many hours did she pretend that the literary mothers she read about were
her mother instead? They would fight for her at least ; they would go against
their husband’s commands to make sure their children were FREE.
❝C-can’t you… Why didn’t you do this sooner?
You should have fought sooner. You should have
fought when I turned nine! Ten! You should have…You once told me I needed to be strong.
That I needed to be strong for myself.
But… why couldn’t you be strong for
your children?How are we supposed to be strong if our mother… if our mother
didn’t even FIGHT for us?❞
At Elsa’s words, Idun looked away, her eyes closed. How could she answer such questions? Biting down on her lip, she tried to keep the tears locked inside. This should be about comforting her child, not making it about pitying the mother who had failed so badly. She had hoped she had done right for so long, hoped she had done her best. But her best hadn’t been good enough. And now she wondered if they even loved her still. If the answer was ‘no’, she could hardly blame them, even if it would make her heart ache like nothing else.
❝I–I didn’t… I tried. In the beginning. I questioned your father’s
every decision. I begged him to try something else before being
so.. so drastic. But nothing worked. Once his mind is set, there
is no changing it. It got… quite frightening, arguing with him.❞
The anger in his eyes was something she’d never forget. His hands balled into fists, with Idun so certain he intended to strike her. He had already shaken her roughly. She knew how troubled his own past had been, and she wondered if he could really sink to the level of hitting his wife when she disagreed with him. It was only when she apologised that he calmed down. And she never allowed her children to see him that way. And never told them either.
❝And I have very little power, Elsa. I am just Queen Consort; even
the title is just given to me by him. If he wished, I could simply be
referred to by 'princess’ again. The servants will do as I ask, I can
control some of the household, but it’s limited.
It’s one thing to get you out for walks, and trips, but quite another to try
and order the gates opened. I cannot go against your father’s wishes
once he has made them clear. No one would listen to me. I tried my
best with the situation I had but… It wasn’t enough. And I should have
seen that sooner. I should have, but because I’m such a fool, I didn’t.
And now you’ve both suffered so much. And I do understand if you can
never forgive me. You deserved so much better than I.❞
There was a part of her that yelled out that she was an utter fool. There was a part of her that wanted nothing more than to shove her mother away from her. Muscles tensed slightly but she was far to drained to move. She was drained, physically and emotionally. Not even her powers seemed to want to respond. Conflicting ideas raged in her mind ; she wanted to stay here in her mother’s arms and yet at the same time, she wanted to squirm away from her and run back into the sanctuary that was her bedroom.
She pulled away through and looked into her mother’s eyes.
There was a question that constantly burned through her mind.
It irked her, to be honest, how her mother acted with her father.
Grandmama wrote in her letters to Elsa to never allow a man to
control her ; husband or not, she was who she was, a future Queen
in her own right.Far too many woman believe that they must
do their duty ; love their husband and obey
them in all things. But what happens when
your husband commands you to do something
that goes against who you are? What happens
when you are forced to stay silent when atrocities
happen? Would you fight or would you obey like
a so called good Christian wife would?You are to be a Queen in your own right unless your mother has a son,
which going by how things are, she will not. You will be a ruling monarch.
When you marry, which you must do child there is no way out of this, make
sure you marry a man who treats you will, who loves you for you and not your
throne. Make sure you know them before you vow before God and your people
to love and be a good partner to this man. Always remember my words. Matrimony
does not mean you lose who you are ; you vow to be a good partner and if it means
disobeying him and going against how a Christian wife must be, then make sure you
do so. Never lose who you are and never allow anyone to control you.
❝Why now? Why not before? Why not when Anna… when Anna wept
and asked why we couldn’t go and visit our cousins?❞
A deep sigh escaped the Queen. She had expected this question to come
sooner or later. And so she leant away from Elsa slightly, resting her hands
on her shoulders. For a quiet moment, she searched for the words, wanting
to brush away the question with a ‘I’ll explain later’ or 'it’s not important’, like
she could when her children were much younger. But now… Now Elsa
deserved to know.
❝I am not a strong woman, Elsa. Not like I know you can be.
And I think practically everyone knows it. I’ve trusted in your
father’s wisdom for so long that it’s hard to break that faith now.
But–But I’ve seen what we’ve done to you. And I can’t keep
following him in this. He’s a hard man to go against. But I don’t
want to you two hurting any more. Today was… the straw that
broke the camel’s back, so to speak.❞
Agdar had been right in almost everything. But Idun was a mother,
and she should have intervened for her girls much sooner. She was
the one who had kept them company, who cared for sniffles and injuries,
who cuddled them, kissed them, comforted them. And yet she had
allowed him to control their lives for so long. All her life she had been
raised to be subservient to whatever man was in charge of her at the
time. But her daughters needed her now, and that was more vital than
any teaching. For so long she had waited for things to improve, waited
for Agdar to be right. But the time had never come. And she couldn’t
keep turning a blind eye.
❝I wish I had the strength to help you sooner, love.
I wasn’t there for you, when I should have been.
I’m so sorry.❞
She remembered the days her mother used to do this. Her face would be covered
with chocolate and her mother would tease her about how much of a messy eater
she was as she wiped her face. While she did this, Elsa pretended that she was still
that child ; happy and loved. And as she always did as a child, a soft giggle escaped
her lips. Had she been smaller and had the energy, she would have squirmed as she
used to do ; but she wasn’t a child anymore. She was almost a woman. She was a
woman now from a biological standpoint.A grin stretched across her face, brightening it up for the first time in a long time.
Promises were not reality. She was not foolish enough to believe that it will happen
for sure, but the possibility of it happening was enough to elicit this reaction from
her. She always loved the feel of the sun against her skin during the times she was
able to go outside during the day ; and she loved the feel of the ocean breeze against
her skin. What she would give to be able to go to the beach and sit on the sand just
to watch the sunset.Then, she paused and looked up at Yes, of course she did but a part of her
her mother. Did she want her there wished that she could enjoy this by
with her? herself.However… it would be better if her mother was with her instead of a guard.
It would make her feel less like a prisoner and more like a princess. She could
pretend that they were normal ; that she was normal. It would be a dream, a
dream she wanted to come true.
❝S-someday. A-and…
Perhaps then… I will… I will be the daughter you deserve.❞
❝You are already more than I could ever have wished for,
my precious girl.❞
I just hope I can be the mother you deserve.
The queen had no idea how long this moment would last, how long Elsa
would allow her to hold her once again. She had grown since she had last
been allowed to wrap her arms around her, even for the briefest of embraces.
Then she had been in the process of growing–now she was almost the
same height as her mother. It was a cognitive dissonance almost. With
Anna, her growth had been natural, but with Elsa… it was a jump. And Idun
so wished it hadn’t been. So many things had been done wrong in their family.
And she hadn’t helped.
That giggle. That smile. Happiness could come again, the queen was sure.
And so she returned the grin, cupping one cheek again. And she placed a
very quick kiss on her daughter’s forehead, taking the chance while she still
had it. To offer the comfort she had been so desperate to give for so long
lifted a bit of the weight on her heart. She made such not to hold her too
tightly, however, just in case Elsa became uncomfortable. But, oh, it felt so
good to hold her again.
❝I will talk with your Papa later–and if he knows what’s good for him,
he’ll agree. And if not… I am not above going behind his back. You
need this, love. I can see that now. No matter what it takes, I’ll get
it for you.❞
Simple things such as the promise of sunshine shouldn’t have made her
this happy, but she was. She was completely and utterly ecstatic at this
promise. It was not reality, not yet ; however this oath meant that there
was the possibility. She wouldn’t have to sneak out anymore. Someday,
she would be able to go outside of these palace walls without any secrecy.
She would be able to stand on the docks and watch the sunset while the
ocean breeze cools her skin.❝You promise?❞
She almost felt like a child as she
asked that question. Wait. What
was she saying? She was still a
child ; a lost little princess who
was forced to grow up.❝Y-you swear it, Mama? The sunshine? The ocean breeze? Everything?❞
❝I swear it, I swear it on my own life. You will get
sunshine, and breezes. I promise you.❞
Reaching into a pocket, she brought out a handkerchief
to wipe at Elsa’s cheeks with the delicate cloth. To clear
them of the signs of distress, at least for now. To give her
promises of joy–how could she deny her? She would fight
Agdar tooth and nail over this. And this time she was
determined to win.
❝Besides, it will do you good to get out. The sun is
healthy for growing young women. And a good breeze
might bring some colour back into your cheeks.❞
It was an attempt to lighten the mood. She only hoped it
would work. Leaning down a little, she looked at the face
of her daughter, the one she had vowed to always protect.
She had faltered, had fallen, had failed her. But now she
wanted to set that right. To lift her back up again.
❝And perhaps sometimes…
You would allow me to accompany you?❞
Death seemed sweeter than Life at that moment. She had the means to end
her life. She could do it that night. However, she knew that was utterly selfish
of her. What would her death achieve? The truth of the matter was, Elsa craved
death, but she also craved LIFE. She wanted to live in the sun. She wanted to
live her dreams and achieve everything she had the ambition to do. She wanted
to prove people wrong ; she wanted to prove to her father that she was much
more than the monster he thought she was.However, even with these dreams, she did not know how much longer she could stand this. She was ready to fall off the cliff and into the darkness. The brief moments of freedom she had when she snuck out in the middle of the night weren’t enough. She needed more. She wanted to go on a ship and sail ; she wanted to see the world and then come back to a palace whose doors and windows were wide open. She wanted to go down and meet her people so she could speak to them herself. However, the longer she stayed here in the shadows, the sweeter the darkness became.
God help her, she wished she was strong enough to fight.
She wished she had enough bravery to go up to her father
and speak to him about this, regardless of the consequences.
Once more, she vowed to become stronger. She needed to be
stronger.Her sobs echoed around the room and even as her discomfort
grew, she could not move away from her mother’s arms. She
had no strength to. She feared that if she did, she would fall.
❝I want f-freedom. I want sunshine. I want to f-feel the ocean breeze upon my skin.
I want to see the w-w-world. I want the palace windows open just so the sun can
brighten my prison!I want to be stronger so I can be a Queen, not a meek
princess. I want to… I need to feel HUMAN. LOVED.❞
At those words, those oh so desperate words, Idun bit back
a sob of her own. Such simple things, such things her child
should have been experiencing her whole life. Sunshine, love.
So utterly simple. How could they have deprived her of these
things? How had they gone so wrong? Done so much wrong
to their eldest child, to the girl who would always light up their
world and share their hearts? Their darling, bright, beautiful
girl who had once been so happy?
❝My Elsa, my darling girl,❞ she murmured, still desperately
running her down the platinum hair. ❝I’m so sorry, love, I’m
so sorry. I don’t know about travelling the world–but I–I will
get you sunshine, and the ocean breeze. I promise you. My
heart is full of love for you, if only I had shown it better. I love
you so much, and so does your Papa, and so does Anna.
You are so unbelievably loved, my sweetheart. Calm down
now, I will help you. I promise. I promise. Hush, don’t cry. I’m
here now.❞
The Queen couldn’t even blame her husband anymore–she
had given up the fight a long time ago. Trusted in him, when
her children needed their mother. She had been a terrible mother,
the very worst, because her own flesh and blood didn’t believe
she was loved. And it was their fault, all their fault. They had
concentrated so long on keeping both their daughters safe
from the outside world, that they had just made things worse.
So much worse.
They had placed her in a coffin when she was eight, right after
the accident, and each year, they added more and more nails
to the coffin. For certain, her mother’s words added yet another
nail to the coffin. Her hypersensitivity prevented her from ignoring
the fact that her mother did not use the word “we”. A soft sob
escaped her lips.She knew that her father abhorred her powers ; his actions made it clear.
However, the fact that even her mother knew it broke her. Did he truly
isolate them for her safety? Or because he feared her? Were the rumors
about the custom made shackles true then? So many questions swirled
in her mind and without warning, she collapsed onto the floor.She just wanted him to love her, all of her.
Her eyes closed tight and she wrapped her arms around herself
once more. Her mother wanted to help? How is she helping her
by standing around and WATCHING her child be in so much pain?
Elsa vowed that if she had to have a child, she would not do what
her parents did, what her mother is doing. She will not stand around
and allow her child to suffer.❝Mama… Mama please!❞
Silk covered fingers reached out for her mother’s
dress as tears continued to fall.❝T-talk… talk to him please. Just this once, please!
Allow me more freedom. I-I’ll be a good girl, I swear.
I won’t disappoint him anymore, I promise. I-I’ll impress
the ambassador and he can see that I am so much more
than my powers.❞
Seeing her daughter, her child, collapse before her was
the final straw. Against her better judgement, against what
Elsa had said she wanted for some years now, she fell to
her own knees, and drew the princess to her. One arm snaked
around Elsa’s back while the other hand held her daughter’s
head against her shoulder. Idun couldn’t just keep watching
her plead with her, as if she was a prisoner walking to her
execution, asking for mercy before the axe came down.
❝Hush now, I’ll talk with him, love, I will,❞ she murmured,
stroking blonde hair like she always used to. ❝But you
don’t disappoint him as it is–and no fighting me about that.
We just need you to tell us what will help. We may be rulers,
we may be your parents, but we aren’t mind-readers.❞
Squeezing her eyes shut, the Queen truly wished she had
the power to override her husband’s orders. To fight him,
like she had in the beginning, when she’d seen the misery
caused to both of her children. She wished she was strong
enough to still be the woman who would scream and shout,
hitting out and forcing him to give her her way. But it had
failed. And since then she had grown weaker. And she
hated herself for it. She hated that they had created the
poor, broken girl crying so pitifully because she wanted
her father’s love.
❝Hush now, there there,❞ she murmured, as if Elsa were still
a little girl. It was all she knew to do. ❝I said I would leave if
you wanted me to–but I would much rather stay. Whatever
you want me to do, I shall. Just–just let me help you.
Please.❞
It took her a few moments to register her mother’s hands on her face.
It took even longer for her to move. Fear paralyzed her for those moments.
However, once she did register her mother’s hands, once her fear reached
its pinnacle, she pulled away from her almost like a wounded animal would.
No, no. She could not be touched. Their touched burned her and were filled
with lies.Years. Years of being treated like she was a creature that needed to
be locked up were not going to go away with patronizing WORDS.
Actions, after all, spoke so much louder and the moment they isolated
her, she knew exactly how they felt about her. Papa never liked her
powers even when she was a child. He accepted them grudgingly.
However, the moment she hurt Anna, he had enough reason to tell her
to hide them, to reject that part of her for the sake of “safety”. He made
his dislike of her powers apparent the moment he ordered the gates to
be closed and her belongings moved back into the bedroom that she
had before she and Anna begged to share rooms.Fingers gripped onto the desk as she tried to keep herself from
collapsing onto the floor. Frost began to form around them,
crawling higher and higher up the walls. Once more, she wished
she was normal ; she wished she didn’t have these powers ; she
wished she didn’t have the hair color she had that marked that she
was a child of Winter ; she wished she was just Elsa.❝I want to be normal. I want to be able to go outside.
I want to be able to be a sister to Anna without worrying
about her safety. I want…Why did you and Papa have to lock us up?
Why do you hate my powers so much?❞
❝Because that vision showed you being hurt, Elsa. And we
weren’t about to allow it to come to pass. And your father
decided closing the gates was the best step forward.❞
He was her husband, but above all her King. The darkness
that had enveloped the castle since then had bothered her
each day–it was one thing to close the gates, but to order
the shutters closed as well was quite unnecessary in Idun’s
opinion. But she wasn’t thinking of that right now.
Elsa’s retreat had come at last. She tried not to be hurt
that her touch no longer had the comfort it once did. But
it was hard not to take it personally. Her hands curled up
slowly as she pulled them to her chest, watching her
daughter with sad eyes.
❝I don’t hate your powers, love.❞
Her voice was soft, almost inaudible. But no doubt Elsa
would notice she had not used ‘we’. It was just another nail
in the coffin, no doubt.
❝I hate what they’ve done to you, I won’t lie about that. You
deserve the truth. But I don’t hate them. They are a part of
you, and so they gain the same love the rest of you gets from
my heart. Whether you choose to believe it or not.❞
With a deep sigh, the Queen took another step back, giving
Elsa room. Closing in again would not help.
❝Would you like me to leave, darling? I–I feel I’ve done more
harm than good today. And so I’m sorry about that, love. I just
want to help you. I don’t mind leaving if that’s what you need.
I just–I hope I’ll see you at dinner this evening?❞