”I’m sorry.”
The words slumped in the same manner as her form did to the closest wall, hanging precariously, a quiet shame about them.
She had gone off again, in secret, to try and find Elsa once more.
Once again, she came up empty-handed, but not without falling intro trouble. That much was clear with the girl’s condition, a bruised and battered thing, barely managing to even stand at that point.
She’d talked to the wrong people, and if she hadn’t escaped, there would have clearly been a message sent to the castle in due time asking for a ransom.
Anna spoke of none of this, mentioned nothing, only apologizing at the castle door. “I couldn’t find Elsa again, I’m sorry,” she said, even though she knew her parents didn’t want to even look anymore.
"Anna!“
The cry left her lungs before she could help it, the Queen pushing past everyone else to reach her daughter, bring her into a tight, tight embrace. Those past few days had been the worst of her existence, spent in fits of tears, the doctor being called at one point to help her sleep for a while.
Thinking she had lost her remaining child was something she never, ever wanted to do again.
"You stupid child,” she breathed, pressing kiss after kiss to Anna’s face, her hands cupping the Princess’ head. “You stupid girl, Anna. you stupid, stupid girl. Don’t ever do something like this again, I’ve been so worried about you. Oh, my darling.”
Even though she had seen the bruises, she needed to hold Anna tight, needed to make sure she had not lost her last child. Tears were falling down her face, the happiest of tears to have Anna back. No doubt her husband was being fetched as well, but Idun had been the one to get there first.
Anna sniffed and scrunched her face up as the handkerchief wiped all tears and sadness away, and the girl who didn’t admit she was tired let herself lean on her mother’s chest.
”I—I wanna—-I wanna walk with Elsa,” she said, liking the idea of Elsa being there with her. The thought brought Anna out of her upset a bit more, the girl calming down considerably at the thought.
”When’s she coming, Mama?” she croaked out, a question that came with droopy little eyes, tired from walking, and tired from crying.
Glad to see the child calming down, Idun let a hand pat against Anna’s side. A feisty thing, that was for sure, but sweet nonetheless.
"That would be nice, wouldn’t it?“ she murmured, noticing the signs of tiredness. "I’m sure she’d like to help you. She’s coming after she’s had her lunch, little one." And after you’ve had a nap, she added silently, smiling softly at her little girl.
Mealtimes had been thrown out of the window while Anna was sick. She would eat when she was hungry and when she could. With an illness so violent, there was no point trying to keep her set to the same times as the rest of the family, and so none had tried.
Sometimes it was firmness that Anna needed. She was a bull-headed thing, more often than not, and words a bit more stern and punishments a bit more strong were needed for Anna compared to her elder sister.
Her angry wails died down, though the tears kept falling, and that frown of hers didn’t leave. A little thing she was, in a way that gave her a mind that didn’t always want to look at situations logically, or even understand them in the first place.
She knew she had to be in bed to get better, but she didn’t know why, didn’t see the reason behind such a fact, and didn’t care to find out.
And now Elsa would surely visit, and Anna would still surely be stuck in bed. And that was why the tears and the hiccups continued.
"Good girl,“ Idun said when the wails stopped, and she brought the girl back up to her chest to try and soothe the tears away. "Shh, you don’t want to be upset when Elsa comes to see you, do you? If you behave well, we’ll see about walking again a little later–maybe your big sister will even help you, if you ask her nicely.”
While the Queen didn’t like telling off her children, especially when they had been sick, but tantrums wouldn’t be tolerated. But she still kissed Anna’s hair and held her, understanding the frustration.
Pulling out a handkerchief, she held her daughter cradled in one arm as she wiped her face. From her eyes to her cheeks to her little nose, Idun cleared all.
In the end, a mother’s lap was always preferable to a pillow, and so Anna didn’t resist, and soon red locks fell onto the Queen for comfort.
Comfort for sorrow Idun’s words were responsible for. The apology was confusing, the reasons and the rejection didn’t make any sense to the princess, and it was in those moments that Anna especially felt estranged in a sense, from her family. Like there was something beyond her knowledge, beyond what was told, hidden under all the ‘no’s and the closed gates.
What that even was, Anna had no clue about. She figured it had something to do with her, though what that was, what imperfection, what mistake she’d done escaped her.
And so all she could do was cry, then.
"Shhh,“ Idun said softly, stroking Anna’s hair gently. "It’s all right. Shhh. Let it out, little one, Mama’s here.”
Of course it hurt that such upset was her doing, but it would have been worse had she allowed Anna to go to Agdar. Sometimes she caught the ends of his arguments with Elsa, although never that long, they were heated enough to leave the Queen listen to cries from outside another door. But with that girl, she could not go in and hug her, and stroke her hair. It was rare Elsa would let her in at all.
No matter how many times Idun had tried to tell Anna the fault had never lain with her, she knew her youngest didn’t believe her. Bringing Anna up a little, so she could hug her close, resting her cheek on top of the girl’s head.
”No-o-o-o,” was her response, a long moaning out of the word, her little tight fists covering her eyes, upset and the consequences only making her more distressed.
And after that word, is was simply hiccuping wails which left little Anna’s mouth. She was making a fuss, indeed. One she probably shouldn’t have made, but was doing all the same. That was the price of a young mind that still was just grasping the idea of thinking ahead.
Grabbing her daughter’s wrists, Idun pulled them away from the girl’s face.
"Anna,“ she said firmly. "If you don’t stop this tantrum this instant, you most certainly will not be allowed out of bed again today. I know it is frustrating, but you are a young lady, and this is not how you are to behave. Now, stop this.”
It wasn’t that she was meaning to be cruel, but she knew when Anna was genuinely upset and when she was just trying to get her own way. She knew it was hard for an energetic girl to remain in bed, but if she wanted to truly heal, she would have to learn to follow instructions.
Her mother’s touch on her back was accepted as it usually was. No jerks or retracting, for Anna was the daughter that still allowed touch.
And those words were a mixture of comfort and sorrow, for Anna’s wish was still rejected, still asked to be dropped, to be forgotten even.
But who could forget such a thing? That she wouldn’t even be presented like a normal young woman? All it brought was more sobs into a pillow being pulled tighter and tighter, closer to her. She felt like a child.
"Oh, my love, come here,“ the Queen murmured, moving so all Anna would have to do would be turn to cry against her mother’s stomach rather than against a pillow. And then Idun could stroke her hair, try to calm her. Or perhaps it would be best to just let her cry it out, let out such emotions. ”‘I’m sorry, little one.“
Even if she was no longer all that little, Anna would always be her mother’s little one. A little one she would have loved to plan a presentation for. It wasn’t just Anna being robbed over such things. Agdar had robbed his wife of so many of her duties as his Queen, things she had thought of ever since their daughters were small.
“No-o-o-o!”
And just like that, Anna’s moment good behaviour left her, and a high-pitched wail of protest rang throughout the infirmary as she was lifted off her feet and brought back to the bed. The little girl definitely didn’t want to go back there, and in her mind, she definitely wasn’t done. Her protests continued into an angry, wailing cry in her mother’s shoulder, any arguments her mother brought up ignored.
She didn’t want to go back to bed, she wanted to walk around and play and run more than anything.
Such a wail would normally earn the girl a punishment of some kind, but given the state she was in, Idun couldn’t bring herself to do so. But her expression did grow serious, with a hint of a motherly annoyance as she pulled Anna away from her shoulder.
"Now, Anna, you promised to get back into bed when I told you,“ she said over the cries. "And if this is how you’re going to behave then you’ll stay there the rest of the day.”
The Queen had truly meant for the child to just have a little rest before trying again, but if this was to be the reaction, she wouldn’t get want she wanted.
And in her room she was already, collapsed on her bed and hiding her sobs in her pillow, the cushion quickly becoming a sort of impromptu source of comfort, her arms squeezing around it.
It wasn’t as if her mother’s words were that harsh, but Anna had been trying for a while now to think of the best way to bring up the conversation, trying so hard to figure out how to make it work—-because she knew she’d get resistance.
And the fact that she got such a quick shoot down of her idea made it hurt. Incredibly so.
Was there something so wrong with it? That Anna could have at least one night about herself, to actually meet and be gay for a night?
She felt so… stuck.
Stood outside the girl’s room, the Queen heard the quiet sobs coming from inside. With a hand on the door knob, she wondered if she should go inside. But the longer she stood there, the less she could stand the sound.
Quietly she opened the door and closed it behind her, walking over to Anna’s bed and sitting beside her. Her hand began to rub her daughter’s back, as she always used to. At least with her youngest she could still do such things. Elsa normally locked her door when upset, even if her parents told her not to.
"Sweetheart, I didn’t mean to shout at you,“ she said softly. "I know you really want this to happen, and if–if it were up to me, I’d want you to have such a thing as well. But it would be best for you to just–just forget about it. I’m sorry, my love.”
That morning then she had tucked in her five year old, she had never imagined that they would all still be miserable ten years later.
”Okay,” she replied, the word drawling out as children liked to do, before she was, as her mother said, off again.
But she wasn’t exactly the most obedient thing. Even as she continued to move, her huffs grew more laboured, and her slow paces grew even slower soon enough, and even with her mother holding her up, at one point her knees buckled.
She wanted to keep going. To go, go, go, and play like she used to, and run like she used to. So she didn’t tell her Mama she was tired, and she didn’t stop when it was too hard.
Even with the agreement, Idun had the feeling she would be the one bringing things to an end. She didn’t want Anna to burn herself out on the first go and had tired legs. So when the huffs became easier to hear, and her knees buckled, the Queen was lifting the girl into her arms.
"I think it’s time for a little rest,“ she said, taking the girl back to the bed and sitting with her on her lap. "We don’t want your legs to get sore from using them too much, do we? Then you’ll have to wait longer for them to feel better.”
Just like that, her request had been shot down, with further discussion forbidden.
They didn’t have to do much, just maybe a ball. That was all she wanted. And yet it was somehow a terrible enterprise to her mother. It was shocking.
And yet also horribly familiar.
If not even Mama was even considering the idea, then what hope did she have? None, she realised. None, not when both parents weren’t privy to it. It was another door closed in her face.
With something of a gasp, one that tried to hold in her anger, hold the tears which threatened to show themselves, Anna’s fists grew taut. Her mouth opened, as if to begin to argue, before it shut again, and the princess promptly left the room, no doubt escaping off somewhere to weep.
The door remained wide open.
Hands lifted to cover her mouth as Anna left the room. Using harshness with her children was something Idun tried to never do, wanting to be the parent for comfort, for gentleness. Not that she had let her children get away with murder, she had disciplined them, but she tried to never snap. And yet she just had.
Her nerves were frayed to shreds, worry having eaten at her for ten years. Even Agdar had mentioned her being shorter tempered recently, and she had tried her hardest to keep her anger away from her children.
The open door just made her feel all the worse. There were enough closed doors in the castle, and Anna was well aware of them.
"Anna!“ she called, making her way to the door, her voice echoing down the hallway. "Anna, love!”
Not expecting an answer, she began to make her way to her youngest daughter’s room.